As everyone heads out to hit the stores to get the best deals on their early Christmas gift purchases, I feel like this is a good time to think of some great things to pick up at the stores today for all of your favorite Devils. Hard to say whether the team will make the nice or naughty list for the season up to this point, but best to be prepared either way. Anyway, here are some gift suggestions for the team:
Pickles (Available at: your local specialty pickle store, which is apparently a thing that exists)
Easiest guy to shop for on the team. Sure he has his own pickle juice store already, but I’m sure he’s always looking for some new flavors.
Discarded Penguins players (Available at: The waiver wire)
Ray is all about sustainability, and repurposing lightly-used former Penguins is clearly a passion of his. Keep your eyes on Ren Lavoie's tweets and maybe you can snag Shero a great gift for a bargain.
Cap space (Available: everywhere NHL contracts aren't sold)
You can never have enough, folks. Help the GM plan for a future that could arrive at some nebulous point down the road with the greatest resource of all.
Goal support (Available at: Games started by goaltenders who are not Cory Schneider)
It's no secret who the superior goalie in New Jersey has been in 2018, but Schneider also continues to suffer from no one apparently wanting to score for him. Just this week alone, he and his tandem-mate booth allowed two goals, but while his teammates were stonewalled by a backup in his game, they blew the doors off of Carey Price in his counterpart's start. Help a downtrodden friend in net with some goals this holiday season.
A time machine that makes it 2013, but for him only (Available at: uhh, Kohl's maybe? You might have to ask around on this one)
I mean, yeah.
Monthly recurring all expenses paid trip to Binghamton (Available at: Orbitz)
I don't know what they did when Pavel was down in Binghamton, but in the past three games, he's increased his career goal output by 25%, so let's try to keep this magic going with frequent trips to sunny Binghamton, NY, where dreams go to be rejuvenated.
Nylon tether that keeps him connected to Jesper Bratt at all times (Available at: RonJon Surf Shop)
The Devils have been searching all season for a winger that can make the Zacha line go, and Bratt has done that in a big way. If we can tether Bratt to the big Czech, we can make sure he doesn't get misplaced again.
Secondary scoring (Available: Somewhere, right? The Draft, maybe?)
Poor Taylor has been asking for this for years in two separate NHL cities but can never seem to get his hands on something that works for a full season. Make the MVP’s holiday by getting a hold of this out at the stores today.
A time machine that makes it February 2018, but for him only (Available at: H.G. Wells’ Super Saver Time Machine Emporium[?])
I'm not sure what happened to the mostly solid bottom-six winger from last season, but things seem to have gone awry for Noesen. Let's bring him back to the far off time of "earlier this year" when he was doing good things for the Devils. It’s possible you can pick this up at the same store you get the time machine for Cory Schneider.
The head of Brad Marchand (Available at: sewers, tunnels, wherever rats typically dwell)
This is going to be in high demand all around the NHL, so you may have had to line up early this morning to take advantage of the doorbuster on this one. Then Johansson can deliver a classic “whoopsie daisy I didn’t mean to do that” elbow to Marchand’s temple. This would be a gift to Marcus but also, in a way, the world.
A new coat (Available at: Macy's)
If Marcus can get himself a new coat perhaps we can finally retire this joke.
Hockey (Available at: Ponds, rinks, etc.)
It's something I’m told he loves to do.
Donation in his name to Hockey Fights Cancer (Available at: this is a real one, you can donate here)
Cancer sucks in a major way, and I feel like that's all the explanation that is necessary.
Emergency travel size Radko Gudas (Available at: A Philadelphia-area dumpster)
Since Travis snapped in a game last February and tried to murder the notorious Flyers defenseman, he has been like a new player. So get the longest-tenured Devil his very own Radko Gudas to keep handy to punch in the head to get going, in case his game falls off again.
Emoji expansion pack (Available at: iTunes or Google Play Store, probably)
If there's one problem Kinkaid has, it's that his tweets are not nearly incomprehensible enough. Get him some new emojis and maybe he can eliminate words from his correspondence altogether.
Gift card to Home Depot (Available at: Lowe’s)
No other Devil gives of dad vibes these days quite like Greene. Andy seems like a guy who has lots of projects around the house to get done. Get him some Home Depot dollars and he can finally grab that hedge trimmer to clean up those shrubs in front of the house and fix the trap in the kitchen sink. He'll get to them right after he finishes his morning coffee and newspaper. Also will you kids knock off that damn racket.
These are just a quick sampling of ideas for the team, but surely there are other good deals and gift ideas to be found out there. If you have some please, share them with the group so we can get this shopping list sewn up early for once this year.