With Christmas approaching, those around the Devils have been getting into the holiday spirit. One of All About the Jersey's totally-existent-and-definitely-not-fake insider sources was able to infiltrate the Devils' offices and snag a copy of the team's holiday wish list. Most of the roster and even Ray Shero and John Hynes have their requests in what appears to be a joint letter to Santa. Here's a look:
Here is what we want this year:
The number of Don Cherry's tailor
Subscription to "Mustache Aficionado" magazine
A "World's #1 Captain" coffee mug
Gift card to Lids
NHL rule change making shootout goals count as regular goals in your stats
NHL rule change replacing the entirety of the game with a shootout
Paperwork to officially change name to "Montvale Native Kyle Palmieri"
Eyebrow grooming kit
Power play time
Pete DeBoer-themed dartboard
Shooting percentage over 2%
Don't give Larsson my power play time
Have Henrique stop stealing my thunder in fashion shoots
Get Travis Zajac to stop saying "your name technically translates to 'extra toilet'"
Getting those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks
All-star game nod; a little freaking respectMake Palmieri stop talking to me about 'gabagool'
Lots of healthy scratches for Merrill
Ice timeLots of healthy scratches for Gelinas
Clone of Zach Parise to play left wing with me
Board of Governors agree to larger nets
To live in one apartment for more than 8 months
U-Haul gift certificate
Bring back those second line minutes
Get Severson to stop asking me what the Soviet Union was like
Another year's supply of "Scratch-Away" healthy-scratch-preventing elixir
Goals or assists, either is cool
Damian Brunner's number to ask him about unconditional waivers
Certificate for one free atomic wedgie to be issued to Alex Burrows
Tickets to see Creed in IMAX with Farnham
T-shirt that says "I am David Schlemko"
Hockey pants that don't make me look fat
Seat cushion for my spot in the bench
Tablet to watch Netflix during games
Enough puck luck to get the Jack Adams this year
Not so much puck luck that unrealistic expectations lead to my firing next year
Team either good enough in 2nd half to make playoffs or bad enough to land top-5 pick
Penguins put entire roster on waivers
Thanks, big man. You're the best.
Fascinating stuff, although, quite frankly, some of them may be stretching the limits of Santa's abilities here. To the rest of you, here's hoping everyone gets all the things they wish for this holiday season! Merry Christmas!