Devils Holiday Wish List Revealed

With Christmas approaching, those around the Devils have been getting into the holiday spirit. One of All About the Jersey's totally-existent-and-definitely-not-fake insider sources was able to infiltrate the Devils' offices and snag a copy of the team's holiday wish list. Most of the roster and even Ray Shero and John Hynes have their requests in what appears to be a joint letter to Santa. Here's a look:

Dear Santa,

Here is what we want this year:

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Adam Henrique

The number of Don Cherry's tailor

Subscription to "Mustache Aficionado" magazine

Andy Greene

A "World's #1 Captain" coffee mug

Gift card to Lids

Jacob Josefson

NHL rule change making shootout goals count as regular goals in your stats

NHL rule change replacing the entirety of the game with a shootout

Kyle Palmieri

Paperwork to officially change name to "Montvale Native Kyle Palmieri"

Eyebrow grooming kit

Adam Larsson

Power play time

Pete DeBoer-themed dartboard

Damon Severson

Shooting percentage over 2%

Don't give Larsson my power play time

John Moore

Have Henrique stop stealing my thunder in fashion shoots

Get Travis Zajac to stop saying "your name technically translates to 'extra toilet'"

Patrik Elias

Getting those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks

Advil

Mike Cammalleri

All-star game nod; a little freaking respect

Make Palmieri stop talking to me about 'gabagool'

Eric Gelinas

Ice time

Lots of healthy scratches for Merrill

Jon Merrill

Ice time

Lots of healthy scratches for Gelinas

Travis Zajac

Clone of Zach Parise to play left wing with me

Board of Governors agree to larger nets

Lee Stempniak

To live in one apartment for more than 8 months

U-Haul gift certificate

Sergey Kalinin

Bring back those second line minutes

Get Severson to stop asking me what the Soviet Union was like

Stephen Gionta

Another year's supply of "Scratch-Away" healthy-scratch-preventing elixir

Step stool

Jiri Tlusty

Goals or assists, either is cool

Damian Brunner's number to ask him about unconditional waivers

Jordin Tootoo

Certificate for one free atomic wedgie to be issued to Alex Burrows

Tickets to see Creed in IMAX with Farnham

David Schlemko

T-shirt that says "I am David Schlemko"

Socks

Cory Schneider

A nap

Hockey pants that don't make me look fat

Keith Kinkaid

Seat cushion for my spot in the bench

Tablet to watch Netflix during games

John Hynes

Enough puck luck to get the Jack Adams this year

Not so much puck luck that unrealistic expectations lead to my firing next year

Ray Shero

Team either good enough in 2nd half to make playoffs or bad enough to land top-5 pick

Penguins put entire roster on waivers

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Thanks, big man. You're the best.

Love,

The Devils

Fascinating stuff, although, quite frankly, some of them may be stretching the limits of Santa's abilities here. To the rest of you, here's hoping everyone gets all the things they wish for this holiday season! Merry Christmas!