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Uncle Lou Goes Bargain Bin Hunting

Recently, I saw on Driving Play's Twitter account that with the Devils signing Havlat and giving Tootoo, Gomez, and Kaberle PTOs resulted in them having 4 players in camp who at one point or another were compliance buyout casualties. We take a humorous look at how this came to be.

The dynamic duo serving as our protagonists!
The dynamic duo serving as our protagonists!
Andy Marlin

Inspired by Driving Play's Tweet and The Schneider Conspiracy by Nate:


Scene:  NHL Headquarters, New York City, NY.  General managers and coaches are looking over players that had been useful once upon a time ago, but not so much anymore.  NHL executives are setting up Ilya Bryzgalov in a display case, while off to the side in a nearly empty bin sits Paul Bissonnette holding a sign that reads "Will Attend Camp for Tweets."  We pan to the door where Lou Lamoriello and Peter DeBoer walk in and start browsing.

Lou Lamoriello: Ah, Petey I tell you, this is the best time of the year!

Peter DeBoer: What makes you say that sir?

Lou Lamoriello: Isn't it obvious?  It's bargain bin shopping season!  Just look at all these great players that other teams threw away!

Peter DeBoer: Sir, with all due respect, why are we here?  I mean we bought out Anton a few weeks ago to clear some room for our young defensemen to play, and if we re-sign Carts, we really don't have room for forwards; well not with Boucher and Matteau almost ready anyway.  Plus we've got more defensemen waiting in the wings, and enough warm bodies in Albany to round out our training camp roster!

Lou Lamoriello: Nonsense, you can never have enough good pieces; I mean take a look here.  (Lou reaches into one of the bins of players and pulls out Martin Havlat.) Can you believe someone threw away this perfectly good Marty Havlat?

Peter DeBoer: But sir, Havlat hasn't played a full season in years!  Not to mention he hurt himself trying to make a simple line...

Lou Lamoriello: Quiet DeBoer, or I'll make you play Jacob Josefson every game!

(DeBoer instantly goes silent.)

Lou Lamoriello: Yes, I think this Havlat here will work nicely with the rest of our team.  (Lou puts Havlat in a shopping cart.) Now let's keep looking for some more good discounts for scoring, shall we.

(DeBoer nods and follows, afraid of having to play Josefson regularly.)

Lou Lamoriello: Oh!  Pete, look over here!  They've got a Scott Gomez!  Remember when we used to have a Scott Gomez?

Peter DeBoer: Actually sir, I wasn't with the team back then...

Lou Lamoriello: Well you don't know what you're missing then!  (Lou puts Gomez into the cart with Havlat while DeBoer fiddles with his phone.) When we get back to New Jersey, we're going to put this bad boy out on the ice and I'll show you what he can do!

Peter DeBoer: Mr. Lamoriello, with all due respect, I did some research and this isn't the same Gomez model anymore; in all honesty it seems to have aged very poorly...

Lou Lamoriello: DeBoer I swear if you keep questioning my shopping choices, I will trade your precious Stephen Gionta.

(DeBoer again falls silent.)

Lou Lamoriello: Pete!  They have Diet Gelinas on sale!  Come on we have to go pick some up!

Peter DeBoer: Sir, why on Earth would we get Diet here, when we can pay a little extra and get regular closer to home?  Besides I'm pretty sure that Diet is long expired...

Lou Lamoriello: DeBoer?

Peter DeBoer: Y-yes sir?

Lou Lamoriello (loading Tomas Kaberle into the cart): If you don't quit your bellyaching this instant, I will send Peter Harrold to Albany never to be seen in New Jersey again!

(DeBoer audibly gasps, and yet again falls silent in fear of Lou following through on his threats.)

Peter DeBoer: Mr. Lamoriello, are we done yet?

Lou Lamoriello: Well, let me just grab this slightly used Jordin Tootoo and I suppose we can be on our way.

Peter DeBoer: Sir, if we need a face puncher, why don't we just put Cam Janssen on the opening night roster?

Lou Lamoriello: We can't risk one of our best weapon in fights!  Janssen had a career high in goals last year; we're going to need his scoring prowess!

Peter DeBoer (rubbing his head):  Okay, okay; let's just go check out.

(The pair make their way toward the checkout area; they unload their "merchandise" to be checked out by an NHL cashier.)

Cashier: Can I interest you gentlemen in anything else today?

(DeBoer is silent, praying that Lamoriello doesn't grab anymore over the hill players; Lamoriello looks pensive while scratching his chin.)

Lou Lamoriello: Yeah, I'll take that Mamashev, or whatever it's called on the wall there.

(The cashier puts Renat Mamashev into the cart.  Lou checks out his players and begins to leave the store with DeBoer in tow.)

Peter DeBoer: Sir, I thought you said no more Russians after the last incident.

Lou Lamoriello: I say lots of things Petey.  (He chuckles) I say loooooots of things.

The two exit NHL HQ and the scene fades to black.


We can only hope and pray that this isn't how it actually went down.  Hope you guys enjoyed my attempt at humor, and as always thanks for reading!