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A New Jersey Devils Christmas Carol

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The timeless tale of A Christmas Carol is a holiday favorite year after year; unfortunately for Lou Lamoriello, the story chooses to find him this year. Today we bring you a lighthearted parody of the Charles Dickens classic.

While an important Christmas figure, this man actually plays no role in our story.
While an important Christmas figure, this man actually plays no role in our story.
Ed Mulholland-USA TODAY Sports

Scene:  Lou Lamoriello's bedroom; the New Jersey Devils General Manager is settling in to bed on December 24th, the night after his team has dropped a shootout to Carolina.  Lamoriello is alone in a dimly lit bedroom when the room is suddenly filled with loud banging.

Lou Lamoriello: Ugh, will these fans never quit?  (He begins to shout to no one in particular) Look, I'm sorry the team is so bad; I'll patch it in the off-season, come back next year!

The door suddenly blows wide open and in walks a ghostly-looking David Conte; he has all sorts of hockey equipment weighing him down.

Lou Lamoriello: Conte?  What are you doing here at this hour?  And why are you dressed like a ghost - you're not dead!

David Conte: No, but sadly my ability to draft good players in the first round is.  Lou I've come to warn you; tonight you will be visited by three other ghosts...

Lou Lamoriello: But you're not a ghost...

David Conte: Just go along with it will you?  Lou, you must listen to these other ghosts, otherwise when your time comes, you'll be forced to carry the gear of even more players.

Lou Lamoriello: Okay Conte, I think you've had a bit too much egg nog for one night.  Thanks for stopping by, I'll see you at the office.

Lou half-pushes Conte out the door and shuts it.

Lou Lamoriello: Now to sleep on the night before my favorite holiday.  I hope Santa brought me a new scoring winger for Christmas!

Lamoriello rolls over in bed and begins to sleep.  After a few moments the door begins to creep open and in walks a ghostly-looking Ilya Kovalchuk.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Loooouuuuuuuu!  Loooooouuuuuuuuuuuu!

Lou Lamoriello (waking up angrily): Oh for the love of Pete DeBoer what now...Kovy!  You came back to save the team!

Ilya Kovalchuk: Actually Lou, I'm here as the ghost of Devils past.

Lou Lamoriello: And like I told Conte, you're not a ghost!

Ilya Kovalchuk: Look Lou, if you don't go along with this, I'm never coming back to the NHL, let alone this team.

Lou clams up and begins to listen to what Kovalchuk has to say.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Lou you must bring this team back to prominence!  Don't you remember the good old days anymore?  Or do I have to show you?

Kovalchuk begins to wave his hands as if conjuring up something magical; when he is finished, he moves over to Lou's desk and picks up his laptop.

Ilya Kovalchuk (while typing): Thanks to the modern technology of this...you...tube...I can show you memories of happier times for the New Jersey Devils!

Ilya Kovalchuk: Don't you see Lou?  This team was a borderline-dynasty a decade ago!  Look at where we are now.

Lou Lamoriello: Ya know, if you're really under KHL contract, how can you mention yourself as a "we" while talking about the Devils.

Ilya Kovalchuk: ...that's it, I tried!  Two more ghosts Lou...figure it out!

Kovalchuk puts the laptop down and departs.  Lamoriello shrugs off his appearance and turns back over in bed to sleep.  It isn't long before the door to his room opens again, and a ghostly-looking Travis Zajac walks in.

Travis Zajac: LOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Lou Lamoriello (waking bolt upright): Where's the fire?!  Travis?!  Ok, I KNOW you're not dead, I just saw you yesterday!

Travis Zajac: Didn't Conte and Kovy explain that this is a metaphor?

Lou Lamoriello: What's a metaphor?

Travis Zajac: ...nevermind; Lou I represent the ghost of Devils present!  I'm going to show you how other teams are spending the holidays!

Zajac walks over to Lamoriello's desk and picks up the laptop that Kovalchuk used previously.

Travis Zajac: Oh good, Kovy left the laptop on!  Anyway, look at all of these hockey websites!  The Islanders are celebrating a successful bounce-back season.  Marty Brodeur is trying to win one last cup with the Blues!  The Flames are doing better than anticipated!  Meanwhile look here at In Lou We Trust!  The critical analysis of the team; the incessant cries of the fans for change; perhaps most importantly, almost everyone calling for either yours or Pete's head!

Lou Lamoriello: Oh but Travis that's all an overblown reaction; fans always sour when a team is performing poorly!  Look at the Oilers!  It's like they're dying from a curable illness and the course of events doesn't look like it will change anytime soon!

Travis Zajac: And our team will die soon too Lou...unless we change our ways.

Zajac leaves; instead of rolling back over to go to sleep, Lou looks stunned by his parting words.  Before he can try to get some rest again, the sounds of metal clacking against the floor can be heard.  The door knob jiggles a few times before opening, revealing Damon Severson on a pair of crutches.

Damon Severson: Man, it is A LOT harder to do basic things on these!

Lou Lamoriello: Damon?  Why is there a rookie barging into my room?

Damon Severson: Mr. Lamoriello, I am the ghost of Devils yet to come...

Lou Lamoriello: Okay, Damon?  This make zero sense!  If you represent Devils yet to come, how can you be here?  Furthermore, how can you be a ghost?  Further still, why would you need crutches?

Damon Severson: Er, um...all will be answered in due time!

Lou Lamoriello: Somehow, I doubt that.

Damon Severson: Did Travis and that Kovalchuk guy leave the computer on?

Lamoriello nods while looking sleepy.  Severson shuts it down while Lamoriello looks confused.

Damon Severson: Lou, if I'm going to show you the future, how would I do that with a computer?

The bedroom fades behind the pair.  The Prudential Center begins to appear behind them.  Peter DeBoer and a second Lou Lamoriello are sitting on the ground in front of the doors.

Future Lamoriello: I can't believe Blitzer and Harris canned both of us!  I mean you, sure I could see it, but me?

Future DeBoer: You're so out of touch!  You're going to be alone for a long time now you wretched man!

Future DeBoer storms away from the building, leaving Severson and present day Lamoriello to watch the scene unfold.

Lou Lamoriello: I'm...alone?  This can't be possible!  Don't any of the fans miss me?

Damon Severson: Lou they may indeed continue to trust in you, but only if you act fast and right this sinking ship.  At the moment however, we must go back to the present.

The future Prudential Center fades and the pair is again in Lamoriello's room.

Damon Severson: Good luck Mr. Lamoriello; I trust you'll do what's right.

Severson leaves; Lou is visibly shaken in his bed.

Lou Lamoriello: I can't believe I've let this team slip away!  I need to act now; I need to restore us to the glory that we once had...

He glances over at the clock and sees it reads 11:30 PM 12/24/14.

Lou Lamoriello: ...and yet it's not even Christmas morning!  I have time; I might as well use it.

Lamoriello falls back to sleep.  The scene pans outsider where Damon Severson, Travis Zajac and Ilya Kovalchuk are sitting in the bushes in Lamoriello's yard.  A fourth figure walks up to them.

Peter DeBoer: So, did it work?

Travis Zajac: I don't think so Pete; looks status quo in there to me.

Peter DeBoer: Damn it!  All I wanted for Christmas was a better team!

Zajac and Severson look perturbed.  DeBoer sighs before continuing.

Peter DeBoer: No offense guys, you're awesome, but let's face facts; the current team would need a Christmas miracle to be competitive this year.

Travis Zajac (patting Severson on the shoulder): Well, we've got some good building blocks on the back end; now all we need is another gunner or two up front!

DeBoer, Zajac and Severson turn to look at Kovalchuk.

Ilya Kovalchuk (sighing): If the ruble keeps tanking like it is, I'll see you guys in training camp, okay?

The three begin to celebrate; DeBoer in particular is elated.

Ilya Kovalchuk (laughing): Not you Pete; if the season keeps going the way it is the fans will have your head on a pike!

Zajac and Severson join in laughing with Kovalchuk; DeBoer sits next to them looking dejected; the camera pans to the sky where snow is beginning to fall.

Voice of Travis Zajac: Hey Sevs, how'd you show Lou the future like that?

Voice of Damon Severson: I don't know Travis...I don't know......

Voice of Ilya Kovalchuk: God bless us everyone!

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I would just like to add a tiny disclaimer that I am in no way advocating the firing of Lou and/or Pete, nor am I suggesting that bringing back Kovalchuk would solve our woes; those pieces just made for good storytelling devices.

Thanks as always for reading!  Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from all of us here at In Lou We Trust!