clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Devils Naughty/Nice List Disclosed By North Pole Sources

New, comments

In Lou We Trust's crack team of investigative journalists uncovers Santa's list of naughty/nice decisions for the Devils organization this Christmas season, and the bag man unfortunately pulls no punches.

Santa's scouting report on the Devils was harsh.
Santa's scouting report on the Devils was harsh.
Ed Mulholland-USA TODAY Sports

Merry Christmas! The Devils stink. How much do they stink right now? Well, via our network of North Pole insiders, In Lou We Trust has gotten its hands on Santa's naughty/nice list for the Devils. Little known fact that Santa is a huge Devils fan, and it would appear that he is none too pleased with this season. We now present his list to you, unabridged, because we care:


THE NEW JERSEY DEVILS

Official Naughty/Nice List

Defense

Marek Zidlicky - While your giving spirit is admirable, committing a half-dozen potentially catastrophic turnovers a game puts an unnecessary burden on your teammates. Verdict: Naughty

Eric Gelinas - You may be on to something with your willingness to actually shoot the puck when you have a look at the net, but it is customary for defensemen to play defense at times, too. Perhaps this could be a potential New Years resolution for you. Verdict: Naughty

Bryce Salvador - By losing a step this offseason, you went from slow to pretty much stationary. The PK, where your flaws were once shielded, was an abject disaster with you on the ice. Verdict: Naughty

Andy Greene - Yeah, you're still probably the best overall defenseman on the team, but your lack of possession dominance and dip in offensive output are contributing to this team's slide. If it makes you feel any better, your old buddy Mark Fayne signed with Edmonton and, thus, is still in Edmonton. Verdict: Naughty

Jon Merrill - You were supposed to potentially jump up to this team's top pairing, but instead have struggled in a lackluster sophomore effort. Maybe let's get back to being a good third-pairing guy and go from there. Verdict: Naughty

Adam Larsson - Nice work taking a step forward this season, but immediately going on IR anytime you start to play well is counterproductive. The mumps? C'mon. Verdict: Naughty

Peter Harrold - At least you're earning all of that fan ire this season with some pretty shabby play. Verdict: Naughty

Damon Severson - Your arrival as an immediate difference-maker on defense gave Devils fans hope that this team was headed in the right direction. Nice work, jerk. Verdict: Naughty

Seth Helgeson - Bryce Salvador 2.0. Verdict: Naughty

Forwards

Adam Henrique - While it's hard to be too down on the team's leading scorer, the fact that you are getting massacred in possession (worst non-Tootoo player!) is fairly discouraging. Verdict: Naughty

Steve Bernier - By being the leading 5v5 point-producer on the team, you are highlighting just how terrible the Devils are on offense. Nobody likes a tattle tale. Verdict: Naughty

Michael Ryder - Your last point was 10 games ago and you contribute little else. Maybe cool it with the ice time complaints, Floaty McGee. Verdict: Naughty

Tuomo Ruutu - I'm tempted to put you on the nice list, since the fact that you are a mediocre 30-something making nearly $4 million that the Devils actually traded for so perfectly encapsulates the current state of this team. Still... no. Verdict: Naughty

Travis Zajac - Being a responsible defensive forward is great and all, but 4 goals and 8 points in 28 games? And you have the nerve to diss poor Dainius Zubrus for his lack of finishing? People with stone hands shouldn't throw glass houses. Or whatever. Verdict: Naughty

Dainius Zubrus - Seriously though, Dainius, you couldn't hit a cow's ass with a banjo. Verdict: Naughty

Mike Cammalleri - Thanks for actually putting up some goals but I do not think the Devils get any kind of bonus if you manage to injure every body part over the course of a season. Consider some bubble wrap. Verdict: Naughty

Patrik Elias - We all knew the run of excellence couldn't last forever. Also, I understand being booed is frustrating, but have you seen this team for the last two months? Watching a lump of coal on TV might be more entertaining (and coincidentally, that's what you will be receiving). Verdict: Naughty

Jacob Josefson - Nice work forcing your way into the lineup, but 3 points? Really? Verdict: Naughty

Ryane Clowe - Pretty inconsiderate of you to drive up everyone's insurance premiums like this. (Seriously, though, get well and maybe consider hanging up the skates.) Verdict: Naughty

Stephen Gionta - You are the only forward to play every single game this season, which is just really depressing to think about. Stop making everyone depressed. Kudos on looking occasionally competent, though. Verdict: Naughty

Martin Havlat - The Devils my not have bet too much on you, but they appear to have rolled snake eyes either way. Verdict: Naughty

Jordin Tootoo - You have lived up to the lofty expectations of being "slightly better Cam Janssen." Nice work. Verdict: Naughty

Scott Gomez - You playing fairly well is a pleasant surprise for Devils fans, but I'm going to give you a preemptive "naughty" for how bad you will be after signing your inevitable contract extension. Verdict: Naughty

Jaromir Jagr - Your clearly crumbling spirit is making everyone even more depressed than the Gionta thing. Also, your sliding production is threatening to remind us all of our own mortality. Cut it out. Verdict: Naughty

Assorted other players - Naughty list for all of you. Especially you, Sestito.

Goalies

Cory Schneider - Overall, you've been solid. Though the fact that you were shaky in October when this team looked halfway competent is a little annoying for Devils fans. Nice work rounding into form just in time to be the tough luck loser every time the Devils get shut out, though. Verdict: Naughty

Keith Kinkaid - By having a great first three starts in the NHL, you have created a band of people insistent that you are the equivalent of having 17 Dominik Haseks in the net simultaneously, which is very irritating for those of us who choose to have measured reactions to small sample successes. Verdict: Naughty

Scott Clemmensen - Heh. Verdict: Naughty

Others

Peter DeBoer - People have supported you because your teams controlled play and the system you installed allowed a not-supremely-talented team to compete in every game. Much harder to defend you when your team is being steamrolled in possession by bad opponents. Maybe start updating that resume. Verdict: Naughty

Lou Lamoriello - Years of putting band-aids on significant departures has finally caught up to this team, leaving the unfortunate Frankenstein monster we are now seeing (at forward in particular). This looks like a team that is lost right now, and maybe it's finally time to clean out some of the rot and sell after the New Year. I'll believe that is coming the exact moment I see it, though. Verdict: Naughty

ILWT Staff - Nice predictions, dummies. Verdict: Naughty

Jeez, Santa. Thought you were supposed to be jolly.

Merry Christmas, folks.