The Schneider Conspiracy — A Scene from Prudential Center

[Interior of Prudential Center. Lou Lamoriello, Pete DeBoer and Cory Schneider sit in the front of the Devils' locker room. Schneider sits slumped over, and it's clear he's been crying.]

[DeBoer pats Schneider on the back.]

Schneider: [sobs]

[There's a knock at the door. Lamoriello goes over and opens it.]

Greene: "Hey, Lou, we're all waiting out here. You wanted to see us?

Lamoriello: "Yes, come on in."

[The team files in and sits down.]

Schneider: [sniffle]

Lamoriello: "Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that we have a bit of a team unity problem. It's become obvious that there's what seems like a concerted effort on this team to keep Cory from becoming our number one. Whenever he's in net, to be honest, you guys are pretty terrible."

DeBoer: "Guys, you've scored four goals in Cory's last five starts. Four."

Lamoriello: "But whenever Marty plays you guys step it up and look like a completely different team. It's almost like you're trying to alienate Cory."

DeBoer: "Come on, boys. Cory is our goalie of the future. It's time to accept him."

Lamoriello: "We know that you love Marty, but you have to love Cory too. He's part of this team now."

Janssen: "What are you talking about? We all love Cory. He's a great guy."

Schneider: "Cam, you literally tried to fight me during practice the other day."

Janssen: "Nothing personal, man. I do that to just about everyone. I can't really help myself."

Greene: [shifts and laughs nervously] "Yeah, Lou, we're not really sure what you're talking about here." [slaps Schneider on the back just a bit too hard]

DeBoer: "Andy, we all saw you try to score on Cory the other night. You weren't even trying to hide it."

Greene: [nervous laughter] "What? What are you talking about? Is it getting warm in here, or is just me?"

Zajac: "Yeah, I mean, come on, Andy, we were all doing our best to not score the other night, but actually trying to score on Cory? I think that crossed the line."

Greene: "Travis!"

Zajac: "No, I mean come on. We all like Marty and everything, but I think you went a little too far."

Lamoriello: "So it's true there's a conspiracy! I knew it! Who organized this? Who's behind this all? Who could hate Cory this much to do something like this?"

[Martin Brodeur bursts into the locker room wearing a "MARTY 4 LYFE" shirt, jamming out to Weezer's "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived."]

[He sees everyone sitting around. He pulls out his earbuds.]

Brodeur: "Hey, guys what's going on? Did I miss something?"

Lamoriello: [death stare]

DeBoer: "Marty, didn't you get my text about the team meeting today?"

Brodeur: "What's a 'text'?"

DeBoer: [sighs]

[under his breath] "This team is too old."

Lamoriello: "Marty, you're behind this aren't you?"

Brodeur: [nervous laugh] "What? What are you talking about?"

DeBoer: "The conspiracy to tank while Cory plays so YOU could get the starting job back. All those 'Ohhhhh, poor meeee, Cory is the starter now, I guess I give up, everyone!' comments were just to distract us all from your plan."

Brodeur: "What? No? Maybe?" [nervous laughter]

Lamoriello: "Marty, you're the most successful goalie in NHL history. Don't you think you could share just a little bit this season? And could you tell the boys to actually, you know, play when Cory is in net?"

Brodeur: "Heh, heh, I, uh, really don't know what you're talking about Lou." [turns to the team]

[angry whisper] "When I found out which one of you ratted, I'm going to--"

Greene: "--Marty, does this mean you aren't going to pay for own goals anymo--"

Brodeur: "--Well, look at the time! Aren't we supposed to get out on the ice for practice right now?"

Lamoriello: "You had an own goal bounty?!"

[Door opens again.]

Jagr: [drenched in sweat] "Hey, guys, just finished another eight hour training session. What's going on?"

DeBoer: "Jags, did you not get the text either?"

Jagr: "Do I get that on my AOL?"

Lamoriello: [sighs] "This team is so screwed."